Scared
by fibermuffin
Summary: Just because I'm the Kanto Champion and I've done things of assumed significance doesn't mean I'm brave. In fact, a lot of things scare me. I'm afraid of being with the one I love, but I'm also afraid of being without him. Namelessshipping/originalshipping. Angstfic.


**Um idk it's 1 AM and I feel angsty so I write sad stories about my OTP? It's really angsty and therefore possibly OOC? ENJOY LOL.**

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I don't know how often I relapse into loving him these days.

I thought it had finally begun to work between us a while ago, but I got scared.

It should have been perfect. A sunset on the horizon of Pallet, and temperate late-summer weather. We were 16, and head over heels for each other. I sat in his arms, in silence. Then, I looked over at him, and our faces were closer than normal, close enough that he leaned over and captured me in a soft, chaste kiss. Lips danced slowly and tenderly for a few seconds. This was my first kiss. It's as if nothing mattered but Green and I and our lips touching. Until I pulled away slowly, slightly stunned.

"Red...I love you."

He seemed so sure in the way he said it, and that set my heart aflutter. And I knew I loved him, too, and that no matter what happened I'd want to be by his side.

But the words were so hard to say. Just those four. It was like a forbidden curse word that feels awkward as it grazes your tongue and falls out of your mouth.

I swallowed, and let the awkward, but deeply sincere, words tumble out.

"I love you, too."

He dipped his head in once more, continuing the kiss as tenderly as before.

When we separated, I looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye. Why couldn't I? I can't even remember. I knew I wanted him, but I was scared. People think that because I was the Pokemon League Champion and because I did all these things of assumed significance, I'm brave. I suppose in some ways I am, but I can be a real coward. This was so new. I had always been adventuring and training Pokemon. But it was new, so new, and I was afraid of change.

"Are you okay, Red? Was what I just did okay?" Green said, throwing me out of my daze.

Yes. No. I don't know. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

I simply nodded, looking at his face. But avoiding his eyes. "Yeah, I liked it." I did, but I was scared.

He suddenly plunged in to kiss me again, and without even thinking like the idiot I am, I flew backward.

"No." I said, putting my hands his chest, pushing him slightly.

His eyes widened and filled with shock and sorrow. "I-I'm sorry, Red."

I couldn't explain how I felt so I just said, "Don't be. I'm sorry. I'm just scared."

He nodded, his face bright red.

I managed to tell him I had to get home, and left, tears in my eyes.

I think Green was scared, too. That wasn't his first kiss, I just think I was the one to scare him.

We didn't talk much after.

I went back up to Mt. Silver for a while, just to think. I was such a coward. I trained, and it kept my mind off of things. But it didn't really, because when it was the middle of the night and I was up in the cave all alone and all of my Pokemon were asleep, I thought about things. Probably more than I should have, but I couldn't help it. What was Green doing at that moment? Did he hate me for leaving with a dry goodbye after the true kick-off of what could have been an out of this world relationship? Did he even care?

I felt like I didn't know anything anymore.

About three months later, I was tired of hiding. I thought, more than any human being probably should have, and worked on being brave. I headed back down and showed up to Pallet Town one brisk winter day. I didn't let anyone know I was coming (my mum was surprised, and sure happy to have me back). My first stop after home was Green's house and I did the bravest thing I've done in my entire life.

I stood there on Green's stoop, knocked on his door, and didn't run away.

When he came to the door, he stood there, stunned, and then tried to smile. "You're...you're back, huh?"

I just nodded. I could feel my throat tightening, my cheeks and ears getting warm, and my eyes watering. "Yeah, I am."

He invited me in. We sat on the couch and we talked. I talked more in 10 minutes than I had in the three months since I left Pallet. I told him, in so many words, how I was sorry for seeming like I hadn't wanted the kiss, for pushing him away even though I loved him, and up and leaving out of the blue.

I told him we could try again. I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't afraid of kissing or the commitment that came with it. I was more mature now.

At that last part, his face looked sadder than ever. He opened his mouth, trying to find the words, and began speaking. "It's not that easy, Red."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well," he started, and paused. "I moved on and,"

I don't want to know. Stop now, Green. His words were twisting around me and choking me.

"I'm with Leaf, now."

The words came out of his mouth and stung me like a Golbat's poison sting. They wrapped me up like an Arbok, and chewed me up and spat me out like an out of control Snorlax. There were fierce Charizards in my stomach and Voltorbs self-destructing in my chest.

I was so hurt, so angry, so lost. I thought about running away like I had before and hiding my feelings like I always did.

But I just cried instead.

Sobbing, right there for the first time in front of Green since we were kids.

"God, Red, I'm so sorry. I mean, you were gone for a while, and you don't answer the phone. I figured it would be best for the both of us if I got over you and moved on. I'm so sorry. I really am."

He was stroking my shoulder, as if that would make it better. But it only made it worse, because I was longing for a real touch of love, not just whatever pathetic sympathetic action this was. I miss back when he'd hold my hand and stroke my hair. This was just embarrassing, and so full of empty promises. So, I shrugged the hand from my shoulder.

I was furious now, tears falling as my heart ripped in half and blood boiled.

I didn't say anything.

"Look, I can't say it enough, Red. I'm sorry, but I love Leaf and she loves me."

Screw being brave. I was scared, and so I ran from that house like it was on fire.

And I cried. And cried. And cried.

I probably should have answered the phone, or invited him inside when my mum answered the door.

But I was already on my way back up. Being alone on Mt. Silver doesn't feel as lonely to me as it is surrounded by people, some of which you feel betrayed by.

If Green's happy, that's good.

But I'm selfish and it isn't good enough. I'm just too scared to figure out what I'll do without him.

Funny how I spent so much time trying to figure out how to be with him that when I finally could, he didn't want to.

Now, I'll spend some time learning to be brave enough to be without him.

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**WHEW was that enough poorly written angst for you, or what? And omFG THE POKEMON ANALOGIES. That was cheesy, I admit that. VOLTORBS ARE IN MY KOKORO.  
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**HEHEHEHEEH KIND OF BASED ON REAL LIFE YOLO. Idk sorry I just felt angsty tonight about real life stuff that should be waaaaay behind me but I think a lot. ANYWAY HOPE YOU ENJOYED LEAVE ME REVIEWS ABOUT HOW NOT SUCK AT WRITING BYE LUBB U BABIES. 333**


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